Curtis Almighty 2
by ScribbleDibble
Summary: This time, it's not Curtis Almighty!
1. Preview

Pan in... dim light surrounds the setting, which the viewers are still unsure of. Pan over a desk, a chair, a lamp, until it is obvious that this is some sort of uber-professional office.  
  
Enter Alex, Clear, Billy, and Tod.  
  
CLEAR(to Alex): Omigod, I am never doing that again!  
  
ALEX: You were pretty wild.  
  
BILLY: Please, guys...  
  
TOD: I think the camera's on.  
  
Clear jumps and looks at the camera.  
  
CLEAR: Oh fuck!  
  
Her and Alex begin rambling   
  
ALEX: Ladies and gentlemen we appologize for anything you might have heard--  
  
CLEAR: It was the first time I had been that close to a keg...  
  
ALEX: We were very safe!  
  
TOD: Guys, can we just do this thing?  
  
Clear and Alex calm. They take places on the desk and chairs.  
  
ALEX: Oh, hello, didn't see you come in!  
  
CLEAR: We just wanted to let you know that the behaviour in the motion picture you experience tonight may be disturbing to a lot of people.  
  
TOD: We've had some fun, at the expense of the merchants of Bree's hometown, Air Canada, Simon Cowell, and Billy here!  
  
Billy smiles cheezily.  
  
ALEX: But we just wanted to let you know that the only reasons we were allowed to do those things was because we're actors.  
  
BILLY: Rich actors!  
  
CLEAR: Oh, c'mon, your appartment looks like Redman's!  
  
TOD: Please, guys...  
  
CLEAR: So remember, kids, if you wanna vandalize,  
  
ALEX: Joyride,  
  
BILLY: Blow things up,  
  
TOD: Or scare little old ladies into giving you all her valuables,  
  
ALEX: Make sure you have a lot of money first!  
  
TOD: In closing, we appologize to the following businesses and services: Dr. Lou Ann Visconti, R. Ross Beattie Senior Public School, Timmins High and Vocational School, the Nancy Delmonte Academy of Dance, the Shania Twain Center, Fleury's Independant Grocer's, Loeb's at Porcupine Mall, the VERY understanding members of Dashboard Confessional, Wal-Mart, and the Timmins Symphony Orchestra.  
  
ALEX: So sit back and enjoy Curtis Almighty 2: This time, it's not Curtis Almighty! 


	2. Part One: Welcome to Timmins!

INT. SOME STUPID ENGLISH AIRPORT - DAY  
  
RACHEL THOMPSON, along with her big sister HANNAH and her MOTHER gather by a gate. Rachel looks sheepish and is surrounded by two burly security guards.  
  
MRS. RACHEL: Oh, Rayie, honey... I'm so dissapointed in you... my own daughter having to make a public appology in Canada...  
  
Hannah wipes a tear from her eye.  
  
HANNAH: Way to go, sis!  
  
CUT TO: MAIN TITLES  
  
(as "Times Like These" by Foo Fighters plays)  
  
CURTIS ALMIGHTY 2: THIS TIME, IT'S NOT CURTIS ALMIGHTY  
  
DIRECTED BY BREE MANTHA  
  
CREATED BY BREE MANTHA  
  
WRITTEN BY BREE MANTHA WITH HELP FROM THE CAST  
  
SPECIAL THANKS TO KYLAH EIDE, RACHEL THOMPSON, JACKIE, ALYSSA JACQUES, CICI, and as always, DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL  
  
PROPERTY OF DHARKE PRODUCTIONS  
  
BREE MANTHA  
  
RACHEL C. THOMPSON  
  
DEVON SAWA  
  
JACKIE SOMETHING  
  
ALI LARTER  
  
ALYSSA JACQUES  
  
"CICI"  
  
ALI LARTER  
  
SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT  
  
CHAD DONELLA  
  
MICHAEL LANDES  
  
AJ COOK  
  
KYLAH EIDE  
  
KELSEY EIDE  
  
DEVEN KIVIOJA  
  
JUSTIN LYNN  
  
SHERYL CROW  
  
With special appearances by  
  
THE NORTHERN LIGHTS DANCE TEAM  
  
and  
  
TINNIE as TINNIE  
  
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S HOUSE - COMPUTER ROOM - DAY  
  
POV (UNKNOWN) ALYSSA JACQUES, Bree's best friend, long brown hair and a classic cute face, sits depressed in the window watching the rain fall. She hums 'Walk Don't Run' by the Ventures. BREE sits twirling on the chair. She chants with every rotation.  
  
BREE: Wheeeeeeee! Wheeeeeeeee!  
  
ALY: Does it bother you that we've waisted our lives?  
  
Bree halts the spinning and cocks her eyebrow at her friend.  
  
BREE: We're fourteen.  
  
ALY: What if we died tomorrow?  
  
BREE: I never told you the story about the Death experience I had?  
  
Aly gets up from her chair.  
  
ALY: Nope.  
  
BREE: Let's walk and talk.  
  
CUT TO: INT. KITCHEN - SAME TIME  
  
ALY: Wanna make some cookies, just like old times?  
  
Bree smiles insanely and nods with a few eratic giggles.  
  
CUT TO: SAME SETTING - LATER  
  
Bree and Aly dish out cookies onto a tray as Bree recounts the famous story of Curtis Almighty.  
  
BREE: So Rachel saved Tod so that Chimberly could die, and then, uh, let's see... Terry died and the whole town errupted into song and dance... uh, then Ms. Lewton died from the Ring video, and Carter died because God hates him and Officer Irritating's cherry picker rolled down a hill... then we decided to kill the fat mortician.  
  
ALY: Why?  
  
BREE: Just because.  
  
ALY: I wanna meet these crazy characters.  
  
BREE: I wish I could see them again... my friends here all say that they were a figment of my imagination. Even Kylah!!  
  
ALY: Well I at least wanna meet her.  
  
BREE: Well, conveniently, my parents are out gambling for a month, so we have a bunch of free time to do whatever we want!  
  
ALY: Like buy a tiger and dress it up like Elton John?  
  
BREE: No.  
  
They load the cookie tray into the oven.  
  
ALY: It says it'll take an hour. What can we do that takes an hour?  
  
Bree shrugs.  
  
BREE: We can watch Rita Rudner do five minutes of stand up.  
  
They begin walking outside.  
  
ALY: Ba-zing.  
  
CUT TO: INT. SHANIA TWAIN CENTER - SAME TIME  
  
LEEANN, more commonly known as CICI, trudges around boredly staring at Shania Twain's 'I'm Gonna Getcha' outfit.  
  
CICI(to self): If I were Shania Twain, I would be so embarassed.  
  
PAN OUT - an Elvis impersonator stands next to her looking at some exhibits.  
  
ELVIS: How do you think I feel? That half-assed tribute in Memphis?  
  
CICI: What are you talking about? Graceland, man!  
  
Elvis shrugs.  
  
ELVIS: Anyone who believes that I'm dead doesn't deserve to live, baby. I'm gonna go play dodgeball with John Lennon.  
  
He leaves. Cici looks dumbfounded. Bored, she walks around the center and comes to the map at the front. We cannot see the map, but a glimmer of hope in her eyes. She squeals excitedly and runs to the door of the center.  
  
CENTER WORKERS(robotic tone): DON'T LEAVE! SEE THE GOLD MINE!  
  
Cici continues running but the crazy center workers block her in. She looks from side to side desperately, and then, parodying the MATRIX, rises into the air and kicks them all in the face, ignoring the eventual lawsuit. She slowly falls back to the ground, pleased with herself. She runs out into the street.  
  
CUT TO: EXT. BREE'S NEIGHBOREHOOD - STILL THE SAME TIME  
  
Aly munches on Swedish Berries. Bree grins and clutches a carton of eggs. They stop calmly.  
  
BREE: Okay, take an egg. On three... One... THREE!  
  
Aly and Bree commense THROWING THE EGGS. PAN ACROSS, the eggs are hitting a homeless person. The bum is asleep, but rolls around in pain as the eggs hit, which, in the end, make it more fun to see the hobo squirm.  
  
ALY: Heh! It's funny because he doesn't have feelings!  
  
They continue to huck the eggs until, much to their dismay, they're out.  
  
They pause and look at each other sadly.  
  
ALY: Well... we had a good run.  
  
BREE: Yeah... let's kick him!!!!  
  
They run up the the bum and shamelessly KICK him. The bum groans rather feminitely.  
  
Bree cocks an eyebrow.  
  
BREE: I'm not about to hurt a sister in need!  
  
She picks up the bum.  
  
BREE: Sorry about that, ma'm - HOLY SHIT!  
  
ALY: What? Did your colon just blow up, too?  
  
BREE: No! It's Jackie?  
  
JACKIE: Sure.  
  
BREE: What the fuck are you doing here?  
  
JACKIE: Uhhh.......... Vegas..... lots of Tequila....... then some guy told me he was the lead guitarist from Dashboard Confessional...... and well, here I am.  
  
BREE: Gasp!  
  
ALY: Gasp!  
  
BREE'S NEIGHBOR MARTIN: Gasp.  
  
CUT TO: HEAVEN  
  
HEADLESS CARTER: Gasp.  
  
CUT TO: Street  
  
BREE: Curses! We'll hose you down and then kill that son of a bitch crappy ass band!  
  
ALY: But I like Dashboard! YOU like Dashboard!  
  
BREE: You shush up! We have to get home and hose Jackie off! And you have to see someone about that colon thing!  
  
ALY: Meh. I can take or leave.  
  
CUT TO: INT. AIRPLANE  
  
BILLY, CLEAR, TOD, and ALEX sit happily on a plane.  
  
BILLY: What a crazy six months it's been! Tod got accepted into Yale, Clear proved that post-its are a scam, Alex landed a walk-on role for a scene in CSI that got deleted anyway -  
  
PAN OVER to ALEX who wears sunglasses and a shirt that says 'Mr. Stooperstar.'  
  
BILLY: And I'M able to recognize simple shapes and pattens!  
  
TOD: Billy, that's all great and stuff, but that's all you've been saying for the past hour!  
  
Billy looks wounded... then...  
  
BILLY: What a crazy six months it's been! Tod...  
  
Suddenly some dude stands up.  
  
SOME DUDE(insanely happy): I'm hijaking this airplane!  
  
CROWD: Ooooh! Ahhhh! Eeeee!  
  
SOME DUDE(still insanely happy): Resistance is futile!  
  
He PULLS THE TRIGGER of the gun. A small white flag pops out that says 'Bam.'  
  
SOME DUDE: It just hasn't been the same since I lost my bullet money. (Happy again) Oh well! I've got my friend Victor the Knife!  
  
He brandishes a hunting knife. Clear gets to her knees and begins sneaking out of the aisle. Tod follows her covertly.  
  
BILLY: Alright, stab me!  
  
He clearly doesn't notice his friends escaping.  
  
SOME DUDE: What?  
  
BILLY: Well, growing up, I was always picked on a lot, and I still feel like the underdog... I feel like everyone would be better without me...  
  
(hold for tears)  
  
SOME DUDE: Wow. Me too. I mean I was always short for my age and the other kids made fun of me. I guess this was just a way of saying -  
  
ALEX: Fuck, Billy, just jump!  
  
PAN TO ALEX - Clear LEAPS OUT of the open airplane door, which amazingly doesn't suck the other passengers out OR send Clear into the jet like a giant blender. Tod follows.  
  
ALEX: It's now or never, Billy!  
  
BILLY: But I think I'm having a breakthrough! I finally see a reason to live--  
  
Alex, frustrated, PUSHES HIM OUT of the plane.  
  
CUT TO: EXT. BREE'S HOUSE - YARD - Afternoon  
  
The rain has cleared. The ground is soggy. Jackie, dressed in Bree's band camp shirt and those damn silver shorts (where the fuck did they come from, anyway?) stands in the path of the hose, which is being held by Aly. Bree pours an exessive ammound of soap onto her.  
  
ALY: Spread your arms.  
  
SLISH! SPLASH! SPLOSH! Uh... SPLUSH!  
  
Four bodies come PLUMMETING down into the pool. Two seconds later, the amazingly unharmed Alex, Clear, Billy, and Tod emerge from the water. Clear looks around, subtly drawing attention to her breasts, which are nearly visible through her white top.  
  
CLOSE ON ALEX - mouth gaping, almost painfully fixated on Clear.  
  
ALEX'S POV - CLEAR bounces around gracefully like a Bond girl, with women-degrating sixties-style music playing in the BG.  
  
CLEAR(interrupting music): Alex?  
  
ALEX: Yes, honey?  
  
CLEAR: Where the hell are we?  
  
ALEX: This place is so beautiful and natural and run by someone who isn't corrupt, I would say we're in Canada.  
  
CLEAR: And hey, is that our good friend Bree?  
  
ALEX: You bet your sweet nipple it is!  
  
CLEAR: What?  
  
ALEX: I said it is.  
  
CLEAR: Oh.  
  
They climb out of the pool.  
  
TOD: That was lucky.  
  
BREE: Yeah, well, thankfully the airplaines always fly close to my house... I even put a message on my roof that says 'JOIN THE MILE HIGH CLUB! IT'S FREE!'  
  
Beat  
  
TOD: Does it count with your hand?  
  
Aly TURNS THE HOSE ON TOD.  
  
ALY: Stay the fuck away from me!  
  
She turns the hose off. Tod shivers.  
  
TOD: It's so c-c-cold here!  
  
BREE: I am so fed up with these Canadian Stereotypes!  
  
ALY: Ahem?  
  
She points to a calender on the JANUARY page.  
  
BREE: Oh, right... wow, that's kinda weird, no snow!  
  
Suddenly, a pile of snow FALLS DOWN, causing Tod, Jackie, Clear, Billy, and Alex to turn blue.  
  
BREE: That's more like it. Now come on, let's get inside!  
  
CUT TO: INT. PARLIMENT BUILDING - AFTERNOON  
  
RACHEL stands in front of PAUL MARTIN and a whole buncha boring political people.  
  
PAUL MARTIN: Ms. Thompson, for compromising Canada's integrity, we sentence you to eight years in a Canadian prison. What do you have to say to this sentence?  
  
RACHEL: ....................... 23 skidoo!  
  
She RUNS AWAY! Bahh!  
  
INT. BREE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT  
  
Alex, Clear, Billy, Tod, Jackie, and Aly sit her table. She paces behind the counter.  
  
BREE: It's fate. There's a higher power working behind this.  
  
Aly suddenly sniffs the air. Her eyes widen.  
  
ALY: Five, four, three, two, one.  
  
SFX: Ding!  
  
Aly smiles.  
  
ALY: Cookies are ready.  
  
CLEAR: Nice.  
  
BREE: Anyway, getting back on track, it's not just coincidence that Jackie wakes up freezing on the streets of Timmins after a bender and that you guys jump into my pool from a hijacked airplane.  
  
BILLY: To be fair, I fell. I was going to stay. I think Some Dude really understood me.  
  
TOD: Shut up.  
  
SFX: DING DONG!  
  
Bree, frustrated stalks to the door. She opens it.  
  
INSERT - BREE'S POV - on the ground sits Cici-Inator in a basket. She holds a note. Bree, shocked out of her mind, snatches a note.  
  
BREE(reading): 'I have come to seek refuge from the boring Shania Twain Center tour.' Oh this is too fucking much.  
  
SFX: Ding dong!  
  
BREE(muttering to self): When you're at the front door, they always ring the back door.  
  
She makes her way to the back door and opens it. She faints. And conveniently, her stairs to the basement are right behind her. She continues to fall down until she hits the basement floor. She does not wake up.  
  
Aly comes to the door.  
  
ALY: Hi, I'm Aly.  
  
INSERT: ALY'S POV - RACHEL FREAKIN' THOMPSON stands outside.  
  
RACHEL: Can I stay here?  
  
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S HOUSE - GUEST ROOM - NIGHT  
  
Bree helps Rachel unpack and sets up a matress on the floor.  
  
BREE: I hope you don't mind sharing a room with Aly. She's practically family to me.  
  
RACHEL: It's alright, as long as she doesn't snore, talk in her sleep, or set fire to curtains.  
  
BREE: I think you're safe.  
  
She pulls out a computery-robotic-type thing with Michael Landes' face on it.  
  
BREE: What the fuck is this?  
  
RACHEL: Oh, that's Robo-Officer Irritating. All I need is some hair, a state trooper hat, and some human flesh.  
  
BREE: What specifically makes him Officer Irritating?  
  
RACHEL: This!  
  
She produces a mayonnaise jar full of green fluid and a BRAIN. It's labled THOMAS BURKE.  
  
BREE: Is that... Tommy's brain?  
  
RACHEL: Yeah! I stole it from Bludworth when we shot him!  
  
BREE: Woah. When are you gonna finish?  
  
RACHEL: Hopefully while I'm here. By the way, do you have any glue-on-sparkles?  
  
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S HOUSE - ANDREW'S ROOM - NIGHT  
  
Andrew sits on his bed akwardly as Clear unfolds the Futon that the lucky son of a bitch has in his room.  
  
ANDREW: So...... you, uh... like whipped cream?  
  
CLEAR: Are you kidding? I love that stuff more than life itself?  
  
A glimmer of hope...  
  
ANDREW: Really?  
  
He motions a can of whipped cream on his night stand.  
  
CUT TO: SAME SCENE - LATER  
  
Alex enters and hears Andrew and Clear making pleasured noises.  
  
ALEX: Clear!  
  
CLEAR: It's not what it looks like!  
  
INSERT: ALEX'S POV - CLEAR AND ANDREW are eating cookies smothered in whipped cream.  
  
ANDREW: Hey there, Alex. Cookie? 


	3. Part 2: Bat! Bat! Bat!

Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers... I feel like you are my review monkeys. Now dance for me, monkeys!  
  
This chapter is deticated to the achievements of Kylah Margaret Eide. FIRST PLACE! I am so PROUD of you, Special K!  
  
BLACK  
  
Slowly, the black is pushed aside and it seems that the world opens up to reveal Andrew's bedroom, as if looking through someone's eyes. And that someone sees  
  
CICI, excitedly staring at whoever the POV belongs to.  
  
CICI: Hi. Hi.  
  
CUT TO: ANDREW'S ROOM - MORNING - CLEAR sits up in bed with Cici looking dreamily next to her.  
  
CLEAR: What time is it?  
  
CICI: Nine. Hey, guess what? I sorted out your bag and I made you pancakes and I ate the pancakes so I made you bacon and eggs.  
  
CLEAR: I don't eat red meat -  
  
CICI: Turkey bacon!  
  
She plops a MEAL TRAY down on Clear's lap with a very elegant-looking meal. Clear akwardly picks at it with her fork while Cici sighs as if gazing at Desmond Harrington.  
  
CICI: (dramatic sigh)  
  
CLEAR: Uh... do you want something?  
  
CICI: Ali, what's Amy Smart really like off camera?  
  
CLEAR: You mean the one from Road Trip?  
  
CICI: Yeah! Is she, like, really snooty, or kind of home-y, or is she really low-profile?  
  
CLEAR: I really don't know what you're talking about.  
  
CICI: Ohhh, and what's it like kissing Colin Farrel?  
  
CLEAR: I wouldn't know, now would you-  
  
CICI: And I am TOTALLY jealous of you getting to work with Reese Witherspoon!  
  
CLEAR: Who?  
  
CICI: And... what do you mean, WHO? 'Election?' 'Fear?' Wha...?  
  
Cici begins to cry and runs out of the room.  
  
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY  
  
Bree puts on her green jacket in the unseasonably warm weather. She smiles happily.  
  
BREE: It's been so long, old pal.  
  
TOD: Are we going anywhere today?  
  
Aly enters with a bottle of barbecue sauce and a stuffed cow.  
  
ALY: We're going to TH to bribe Mr. Delich to give Bree an alibi for not showing up until... well, I'm sure she'll NEVER go back. Then we're going to the barbecue sauce emporium to buy some Awesome Barbecue Sauce.  
  
BREE: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? THERE IS NO BARBECUE SAUCE EMPORIUM IN TIMMINS!!!  
  
ALY: You can kill the dreamer but you can't kill the dream!  
  
BREE: Whatever, get dressed, we have to make a stop at Beattie first - pick up some valve oil and see my favouritest teacher, Mrs. Command!  
  
RACHEL: And let's not forget Kelsey!  
  
JACKIE: I hate to interrupt the happiness, but I have a feeling I should be working on paying off my gambling depts and getting back at Dashboard. I mean, I can charge them with kidnapping me and taking me across international boarders, which in the end would make me richer than an astronaut.  
  
Beat  
  
JACKIE: Er, just kidding.  
  
CUT TO: INT. R. ROSS BEATTIE SR. PUBLIC SCHOOL - DAY  
  
Bree walks the halls with confidence while the stupid pre-teen girls faint as Billy walks by.  
  
BILLY: (under breath) I don't understand! I put on deodorant!  
  
That stupid girl with the mole by her eye enters from a classroom door and screams.  
  
STUPID GIRL WITH THE MOLE BY HER EYE: OH MY GOD! It's ALI LARTER!  
  
Clear glares at CICI, as if to say, 'did you have anything to do with this?'  
  
They somehow make it into the music room, where Mrs. Command is busy teaching a class. The seventh graders IMMEDIATELY turn their heads to the celebrities!  
  
INSERT: KIDS POV - BILLY  
  
KIDS(o.s.): It's Seann William Scott!  
  
PAN TO - KIDS POV - CLEAR  
  
KIDS: It's Ali Larter!  
  
PAN TO - ALEX  
  
KIDS: It's Devon Sawa!  
  
PAN TO - TOD  
  
Beat and akward silence  
  
TOD: I don't have to fucking impress you.  
  
He walks out of the room and slams the door.  
  
The kids all crowd around the three and start clawing at them.  
  
BILLY: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
The remaining stand around, worried.  
  
BREE: Oh, sweet Buddha, where'd Aly go?  
  
KID(o.s.): Hey, YOU'RE not famous!  
  
Aly is suddenly TOSSED AWAY from the crowd.  
  
ALY(sobbing): Their hands were everywhere!  
  
CLEAR: Ahhhh! My hair! My perfectly flat-ironed hair!  
  
CICI: I'LL save you!  
  
The music from 'Six Million Dollar Man' plays as she picks up a trombone and, 'Jim from American Pie'-style, pokes all the kids in the eye with the slide.  
  
KID1: Ow!  
  
KID2: My face! My undeveloped face!  
  
Finally, the kids are all crying on the ground and one is bleeding from the eyes. One doesn't move at all. Clear gets up cautiously and approaches Cici.  
  
CLEAR: Gee, thanks, Cici.  
  
Cici stands proudly with her hands on her hips.  
  
CICI: I did it for the children.  
  
SFX: DOOR SLAM  
  
with  
  
CUT TO: EXT. RRB - DAY  
  
CICI: Okay, how was I supposed to know we would banned for life?  
  
BREE: You KILLED Steph Baker!  
  
CICI: She'll walk it off!  
  
ALY: Hey... where's Tod?  
  
CUT TO: INT. RRB - GYM - DAY  
  
Tod stands akwardly wearing a blue and yellow gym uniform in a room full of basketball-wielding 13-year-olds. His eyes dart around nervously as the kids stare daggers at him. Mr. Kratofil bounces a basketball, intimidating eyes.  
  
TOD: Mr. Kratofil, sir, I don't go to this school!  
  
MR. KRATOFIL: Now, Tod, I just don't think that's true! Now, kids, what do we do to liars?  
  
INSERT - KIDS' POV - TOD stands in the center of the gym and is hit by a barrage of basketballs. He falls over in pain.  
  
CUT TO: INT. TIMMINS HIGH AND VOCATINOAL SCHOOL - DAY  
  
Billy, Clear, and Alex have magazines hiked up over their faces so they cannot be seen. Tod walks with a limp. Rachel pulls a tall boy aside.  
  
RACHEL: Are you Justin?  
  
JUSTIN: Yeah.  
  
RACHEL: The one that married Bree?  
  
JUSTIN: Errrrr...... yeah... boy, was I hammered!  
  
Rachel strikes him with her WAL MART BAT!  
  
RACHEL: That's for not paying alimony!  
  
Justin falls on the ground, face down.  
  
JUSTIN: What-dimony?  
  
Bree calls out to certain people.  
  
BREE: Hey, Muffin Man.  
  
KEEGAN: Hello to you!  
  
BREE: Leave me alone. Heyy, Lunchbox! Oh, hi, Fuckface, how's it goin?  
  
RACHEL: KYLAHHHH!!!!!  
  
They all turn around to see Deven and Kylah sittin against the wall like they do every day. Kylah smiles Kylah-ishly.  
  
KYLAH: I'm READING!  
  
RACHEL: That's nice.  
  
Kylah stands up and re-greets everyone. Rachel smiles between Tod and Kylah.  
  
RACHEL: The resemblance is so obvious - you two could be brother and sister!  
  
TOD+KYLAH: Eww!  
  
BREE(sweetly): It's just like that scene in 'Eurotrip!'  
  
Tod turns around.  
  
TOD(to self): Sister? Blast! How can I ever love her if we're related?  
  
KYLAH(to Rachel): I do NOT look like him! Stop saying that!  
  
They have a catfight and all the stupid lame-brained high school guys think it's sooo cool.  
  
The rest of the gang is silent though. Deven akwardly approaches Tod.  
  
DEVEN: Hey. I'm Deven.  
  
TOD: GET YOUR HANDS OFF THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!!  
  
They start fighting too. Soon almost everyone is joined in the fight. Aly runs by triumphantly with a lock of someone's hair and runs the other way, now carrying a hammer. Only Bree and Jackie are staying out of the fight. Bree suddenly eyes Jackie, who's still wearing her clothes.  
  
BREE: Is THAT my WRISTWATCH?  
  
They start to fight.  
  
FREEZE IN TABLEAU  
  
TINNIE(narrating)(v.o.): Folks in Hazard County hadn't seen a good wristwatch fight in years.  
  
UNFREEZE  
  
FIGHT CONTINUES  
  
CUT TO: INT. MACDONALDS - DAY  
  
BREE, who is full of bruises, carries over a tray of milkshakes to the table, where everyone sits. They all have terrible injuries inflicted on them. The camera PANS ACROSS each individual to display their newfound deformities.  
  
DEVEN is wearing a neckbrace.  
  
TOD's arm is in a cast.  
  
CLEAR is missing a tooth.  
  
KYLAH has a bottle smashed into her head.  
  
ALY is terribly bruised and is wearing an eyepatch.  
  
BREE: Take that off!  
  
ALY: No! ARR, Maytee!  
  
JACKIE is busy wiping blood off her arm and then turns to  
  
CICI, who is attempting to hold in the blood gushing out of her forehead.  
  
ALEX unwraps an electrical cord from BILLY'S neck.  
  
RACHEL is desperately scrubbing her hands.  
  
RACHEL: Cici! Cici! The blood! It won't come off!  
  
CICI: Calm down, Lady MacBeath.  
  
RACHEL: Oh, wait, there it goes.  
  
The blood comes off.  
  
CLEAR: What am I going to do about my missing tooth?  
  
RACHEL: Grow it back straightly.  
  
ALY: Naw, we don't have to worry. Like, remember that episode of Family Guy where Peter's boss died and he lost his job and the next episode everything was back to normal?  
  
INSERT: SAME SCENE SAME TIME - DIFFERENT POV  
  
Everyone is now fully healed.  
  
ALY: What did I tell ya? Arr, maytee!  
  
BREE: Give me the eyepatch!  
  
Aly SNATCHES it away.  
  
ALY: NO! MINE!  
  
BILLY: So are we going to go home?  
  
BREE: Home? No, no, no, not my house. My house is NOT your home! My house is just a place where I sleep and eat!  
  
ALEX: And where your super cool American friends visit!  
  
BREE: YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND! YOU'RE A CHARACTER!  
  
Clear WINKS seductively at Alex.  
  
CLEAR: You SURE are!  
  
BREE: UGH!!! Look, if we're going to stay at my house, we have to set some ground rules. First of all, Kylah and Deven, you guys have your OWN HOUSES! So I don't wanna see any hanky panky!  
  
DEVEN: What are you talking about? She doesn't even let me HUG her in public!  
  
TOD(under breath): That's because you don't love her the way I do.  
  
DEVEN: What?  
  
TOD: I said my McNuggets taste super.  
  
BREE: Secondly, Alex, Clear, I know you guys have a... er... 'healthy' relationship, but I don't think it's appropriate to have sex in front of my brother.  
  
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S HOUSE - ANDREW'S ROOM - DAY  
  
Andrew SITS ON HIS BED, with his knees to his chest, PALE as a GHOST, shaking and shuttering like one of the loonies in Clear's assylum.  
  
CUT BACK TO MCDONALDS  
  
BREE: Third: Cici, give Clear her space.  
  
CICI(to self): Her name is Ali... (turns to Kylah) We're gonna be roommates some day. I'm going to go to Hollywood parties and meet her famous friends!  
  
KYLAH: Hmmm... One is famous, one isn't! I get it! I smell a sitcom!  
  
BREE: Fourth: Rachel, do something constructive for a change - like building that robot instead of knocking Justin out... Rachel? Rachel, did you hear me?  
  
Rachel is listening to her DISCMAN.  
  
BREE: RACHEL!!!!!!!  
  
RACHEL: Woopsie.  
  
She pulls off the headphones.  
  
BREE: Did you hear what I said?  
  
RACHEL: Uh, yeah. Do in construction workers... build a robot to knock out Justin...  
  
BREE: Uhhh, you know what? You're close enough. Fifth, Tod, control your hormones and your anger. Let's face it... you just ain't that attractive. And sixth, Tinnie, be sure to provide a relieving comical narration between scenes.  
  
REMOVE SOUND as the characters SPEAK to one another HAPPILY. We hear sentimental, cheezy music.  
  
TINNIE(v.o.): And so the friends talked long into the afternoon and learned to function as a society... for about an hour.  
  
CUT TO: MONTAGE - BG MUSIC: "I ONLY EAT CANDY" by NERF HERDER  
  
- Cic plucks some hairs off of Clear's sweater and adds them to a ball.  
  
- Rachel uses a wrench to screw something into the robot.  
  
- Andrew sits against his closet door, traumatized, and we can see between the cracks Alex and Clear having crazy monkey sex.  
  
- Aly eats barbecue sauce with a fork.  
  
- Sparky puts a brown wig on a bucket with painted on eyes and a silly smile. She labels it 'Robo-Kimberly.'  
  
- Kelsey and Kylah walk down the sidewalk together. Tod rushes up to them and punches out Kelsey.  
  
- Rachel shuts the latch on the robot's 'head,' closing in his brain. She stands it up... it is THE actual Officer Irritating.  
  
- Kelsey sobs while Tod repeatedly steps on her and Kylah screams at him.  
  
TINNIE(v.o.): END MONTAGE!!!!!  
  
Montage Ends, CUT TO BLACK  
  
TINNIE(v.o.): I love this job. Hey, Lucy, gemme a beer!  
  
SFX: Beer can opens.  
  
TINNIE(v.o.): Mmmmmm... grood... I mean good... and great... great and good. 


	4. Part 3: Robots, Robots, Robots!

Note: Since the writing of chapter two, Deven and Kylah have broken up, but remained friends. Justin is a friend of ours who I always thought would make an interesting character.  
  
INT. BREE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY - Rachel sits on the couch lazily with a remote in hand. Light shines on her as if from a TV. ENTER JACKIE.  
  
JACKIE: Rachel!!!  
  
Rachel, in shock, falls off the couch.  
  
RACHEL: Fuck, Jackie, I was watching Price Is Right!!  
  
JACKIE: It doesn't matter! That stupid Robo-Tommy is tried to make my bed again! And then he was all like (robotic tone) "hey. I'm a cop."  
  
RACHEL: Do you dare diss Robo-Tommy? What about that robo-Chimberly? It's nothing but a bucket and a... wig... thing...  
  
Jackie begins tearing up.  
  
JACKIE: It's not her fault! Her brain was supposed to be in by now!  
  
She runs out.  
  
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S GARAGE - DAY - Dharke walks to the mail slot to check if there are any letters. She cocks an eyebrow at the sight of a hole in the wall and stares at the mail box which contains...  
  
RACHEL'S POV - A LARGE PACKAGE is placed on top of the letters. It is stamed: WARNING: MAY CONTAIN BRAIN.  
  
Rachel smiles cleverly and gingerly unwraps the pack. Inside is a mayonnaise jar with a brain, similar to the one with Offiri's brain, with the label 'Corman, Kimberly.' Rachel covertly tucks the jar under her sweater.  
  
CUT TO: BLACK  
  
We can see nothing, but we can hear Rachel cheerfully humming the 'Super Mario Brothers' theme.  
  
RACHEL(o.s.): Hey, Cici! Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?  
  
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S GARAGE - NIGHT  
  
INSERT - UNKNOWN POV - Cici's hair draped over the back of the clair. Pan around and we see - she is tied to a chair and blindfolded. A lamp swings around like in an old movie.  
  
A dark figure approaches. It looks like it could be...  
  
Kimberly.  
  
She evilly approaches Cici and rips the blindfold off. Cici screams wildly.  
  
ROBO-KIMMIE(chirpy): We are going to be the best of friends!  
  
CICI: GET THE FUCK AWAY FORM ME YOU COW!  
  
Enter Aly  
  
With the slam of a door, she enters the garage carrying a garbage bag. She puts it in the garbage can. She suddenly notices Cici and looks at them strangely. Robo-Chimmie is sitting on Cici's lap. Cici is scared out of her mind.  
  
CICI: Hel-LO?  
  
ALY: ... Whatever.  
  
She leaves!  
  
INTERCUT with an SFX of a CAMERA CLICK - on a page of a book, a picture of Chimmie sitting on the bound Cici's lap sits over:  
  
"re·venge (ree-venj)  
  
tr.v. re·venged, re·veng·ing, re·veng·es   
  
To inflict punishment in return for (injury or insult).   
  
To seek or take vengeance for (oneself or another person); avenge.  
  
INT. BREE'S GARAGE - DAY  
  
A light casts a bluish glow over the back door. ENTER RACHEL, wearing a bathrobe over pink heart pajama pants and fuzzy slipers. She looks tired and yawns.  
  
She walks over to the mail slot to get the paper. As soon as it's in her hand, she looks over and jumps.  
  
PAN OUT - Cici's still in the chair, asleep. Rachel looks with pitty and reluctantly pulls a Sharpie marker out of her pocket. She tiptoes over to Cici, cautiously unties her arms and legs, and begins drawing on her face.  
  
INSERT - RACHEL'S POV - Cici's face now features a moustache, a ring around her eye, some spots on the cheek, and a few little choice phrases scribbled on. She turns away from Cici for a moment and looks towards the cieling.  
  
RACHEL: Dear Lord, I'm not normally a praying woman, but thank you, thank you for gracing me with this brain.  
  
She walks off. FOCUS IN on a piece of paper on her back.  
  
"Kick me."  
  
CLOSE IN - Cici smiles devilishly.  
  
CUT TO: INT. BREE'S KITCHEN - SAME TIME  
  
Aly microwaves some bacon. She looks over as she hears the door slam. A smile appears on her face and her eyes light up.  
  
ALY: 'KICK ME!'  
  
She runs down the room and kicks RACHEL in the back.  
  
EXT. BREE'S YARD - DAY  
  
The snow is strangely gone. Alex, Rachel, and Kylah jump on the trampoline. Kylah does a cartwheel. Alex falls on his ass. Robo Kimberly joins Aly on the deck.  
  
ROBO-KIMBERLY: Hi.  
  
Aly shows no response.  
  
ROBO-KIMBERLY: Where's Leann? She has such nice hair. I just love to brush it.  
  
Still no response from Aly.  
  
ROBO-KIMBERLY: I would kill for your figure.  
  
Aly looks around for something interesting to happen, then cracks a smile when CICI falls OUT OF A TREE.  
  
CICI: Owwwww! My vagina!!!!  
  
ALY: What were you going in there?  
  
CICI: Hiding from Robo-Kimberly!  
  
ALY: ROBO? She's a ROBOT?  
  
CICI: Well we killed the real Kimberly six months ago!  
  
ALY: Why didn't you say so?  
  
Without hesitation, Aly slides behind Robo-Kimberly, who is still blabbing on about how she wishes she were "thinner." Aly pushes her strongly into the pool.  
  
The robot EXPLODES and showers metal debris into the yard. Bree ducks down and then slowly gets up.  
  
BREE: Everyone okay?  
  
INSERT - BREE'S POV - TRAMPOLINE - Kylah and Rachel bounce, unbeknownst to Alex, who is choking and reacting to a jagged metal piece of Robo-Debris in his throat (think 'Ms. Lewton in FD.') and bump into Alex simultaniously. Alex stumbles backwards, then, in mid-bounce, flies over the fence, hits the big birch tree and falls, dead, to the ground.  
  
Another figure tumbles out of the birch tree.  
  
Everyone, concerned, makes their way around the fence to see the commotion.  
  
Bree, Rachel, Aly, Cici, and Jackie stand over the dead bodies of Alex and Sheryl Crow. Aly looks from side to side.  
  
ALY: Want me to get a garbage bag?  
  
JACKIE: We've got to do the honerable thing here. We've got to sew up their wonds, put them in some decent clothes and... play Weekend at Bernies.  
  
CICI: Well, who's gonna notice that that leather muppet is dead anyway? Better he's dead now than before he gets fat.  
  
RACHEL: You seem to be confused, Ci, he's still Alex, he's not Devon Sawa.  
  
CICI: Oh... well then it doesn't matter! He was gonna die anyway!  
  
RACHEL: 'Cause he forgot to -   
  
JACKIE BREE AND CICI: Eat brickfast.  
  
Beat  
  
ALY: I don't get it.  
  
RACHEL: Really?  
  
Rachel puts her arm around Aly and they walk away.  
  
RACHEL(in distance): Wanna know what Kimberly said when she woke up from her first premonition? ...  
  
JACKIE: So I say we set Alex on fire and hope that he disintigrates before Bree's parents get home. Now about Sheryl Crow...  
  
Sheryl suddenly stands up and brushes off her pants.  
  
SHERYL: Woo hoo! E! Hollywood True Story here I come!  
  
They look around.  
  
BREE: What the fuck are you talking about?  
  
SHERYL: Pain. Scandal. Robots! The tragic story of Sheryl Crow's shattered pelvis!  
  
CICI: But you're walking fine!  
  
SHERYL: That's what you think! I have previous footage of me limping around AND I know a guy who'll make me an ass cast with no questions.  
  
BREE: Footage?  
  
SHERYL: Yeah, your neighbore helped with that.  
  
PAN UP - on BREE'S ROOF her 76-year-old neighbore MARTIN sits with a video camera.  
  
BREE: MARTIN GET DOWN FROM THERE!  
  
MARTIN: Aww, you suck!  
  
UNKNOWN POV - ACROSS THE STREET - MARTIN'S WIFE CECILLE emerges from his house.  
  
CECILLE: MARTIN, YOUR DINNER'S GETTING COLD!  
  
MARTIN: Man...  
  
Martin turns around and walks to the front of the roof, dropping the camera onto the ground but not noticing. PAN DOWN to where Cici, Jackie, Bree, and Sheryl stand. Jackie dashes and picks up the camera. She checks it and exclaims with delight -  
  
JACKIE: Yes! We have footage of you admiting it was a setup!  
  
Sheryl lunges for the camera but Jackie tosses it to Cici, who taunts Sheryl some more and tosses it to Bree until they are in a full-fledged game of Keepaway. Sheryl catches the camera in the middle of the air and shoves it down her throat!  
  
SHERYL: Ha! Evidence my ass!  
  
SFX - a weird whining noise from inside Sheryl's stomach. She motions her stomach.  
  
SHERYL: I better go get this pumped or something.  
  
CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY  
  
JACKIE sits on the couch, chin in hands, staring at the TV. PAN AROUND - on the TV is FD2, one of Kimberly's scenes. She sighs heavily and rewinds it to the beginning of the scene, and repeats this several times.  
  
ENTER KELSEY  
  
KELSEY: Y'alright?  
  
Jackie BURSTS INTO TEARS  
  
Kelsey, being oh-so-matoure, sits down next to her and puts her arm over her shoulder.  
  
KELSEY: There there. No need to get so emotional.  
  
JACKIE: Robo-Kimberly is DEAD!  
  
KELSEY: Yeah, dead as a dornail... BUT it doesn't matter!  
  
JACKIE: Yes, it does!  
  
KELSEY(shrieking like an angry freak): NO IT DOESN'T!  
  
JACKIE: But I'm not having as much fun here as I thought I would! Everyone else has sub-plots. Bree and Aly have their test of friendship, Rachel has her destructiveness, Cici has her obsessions, Kylah is dealing with Tod's love, Justin is... in Breanna's kitchen?  
  
INSERT - JACKIE'S POV - JUSTIN stands in the kitchen, eating a carrot.  
  
JUSTIN: What's up, dock?  
  
CUT BACK  
  
KELSEY: I know what'll get you a good sub-plot!  
  
JACKIE: What?  
  
KELSEY: Some trouble with the law!  
  
CUT TO - INT. BREE'S MOM'S VAN - DAY  
  
Kelsey and Jackie sit in the front seats, with Kylah and Deven in the back.  
  
JACKIE: You've done this before?  
  
Kelsey grips the wheel.  
  
KELSEY: Not in this particular van... but yeah, I've done it before.  
  
CUT TO - EXT. BREE'S STREET - DAY - The tires SCREECH as Kelsey drives the van, swerving down the street.  
  
INT. VAN - Kelsey smiles gleefully as she drives like a madman and Jackie looks ready to hurl. IN THE BACK, Deven and Kylah are seemingly having fun.  
  
KYLAH: MY ASTHMA!  
  
KELSEY: Where's your puffer?  
  
KYLAH: Uhm.... awwww, crap, I left it at the dance studio!  
  
Kelsey SLAMS on the BREAKS! Jackie lurches forward. Kelsey raises her hand triumphantly.  
  
KELSEY: TO THE DANCE STUDIO!  
  
CUT TO: INT. PORCUPINE MALL - DAY  
  
Kylah, Kelsey, and Deven walk up to the studio. Jackie follows nervously.  
  
JACKIE: She's not open on Sundays, is she?  
  
KYLAH: No, you're right. So we drove out here for nothing?!  
  
DEVEN: Nope! I has the solution!  
  
They look at him with anticipation!  
  
DEVEN: A HAMMER!  
  
He produces a shiny hammer. He approaches the door and smashes it open violently. They walk through. Soon, in a brief montage of smashing, they smash the TROPHY CASE, VENDING MACHINE, LOCKERS, and WINDOWS.  
  
KYLAH: Oh, wait, here's my puffer.  
  
DEVEN: Who cares, less talky, more smashy!  
  
NANCY DELMONTE(o.s.): KYLAH! KELSEY! .... KYLAH'S FRIENDS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY STUDIO?  
  
Pan around - The great Nancy Delmonte stands before them, shocked and angered.  
  
KYLAH: Uhm... what are YOU doing here on a Sunday?  
  
CUT TO: INT. SECOND STUDIO - DAY  
  
Deven and Jackie sit washing a mirror, while Kelsey passes by with a broom. INSIDE THE BATHROOM, Kylah clangs around.  
  
DEVEN: You know, we're correcting damage we didn't even do.  
  
KELSEY: Yeah, Kylah knocked out a window with her butt and didn't even have to fix it.  
  
KYLAH(o.s.): I'm paying for it, trust me. This toilet is sooooo clogged!  
  
DEVEN: Have you tried... unclogging it?  
  
KYLAH(o.s.): I'm only ONE MAN, Deven!  
  
DEVEN: Use the fucking plunger!  
  
KYLAH: There IS none!  
  
DEVEN: Seriously?  
  
KYLAH: Uhm... there's a shovel!  
  
DEVEN: A shovel? Don't tell me you're really -  
  
KELSEY: It's too late, Deven, we can't stop her.  
  
KYLAH: Yeah, Deven, stay out of this!  
  
SFX: CRASH!  
  
The sound comes from the bathroom!  
  
JACKIE: Are you OKAY?  
  
KYLAH: Well I'M fine, but the shovel is cloged in the toilet!  
  
Deven sighs. He, Kelsey, and Jackie follow each other to the BATHROOM, where Kylah sits in front of the toilet, desperately trying to pull the shovel out of the toilet.  
  
DEVEN: Kylah, you are SOOOO stupid sometimes.  
  
KYLAH(putting her hands to her ears): STOP IT! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! YAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
KELSEY: Kylah, get ahold of yourself.  
  
KYLAH: Make him say sorry!  
  
DEVEN: Fine! SORRY!  
  
KYLAH: Good! Now, what gets out a clog in a toilet?  
  
JACKIE(bitterly): A plunger.  
  
KYLAH: Nothing releases clogs better than Mr. Dynamite! Deven, got your exposives?  
  
DEVEN: This is highly out of character for both of us, and could potentially further destroy the studio and kill one of us, not to mention how much legal trouble I can get in, but... sure.  
  
He gives Kylah a stick of dynamite.  
  
DEVEN: Wait a minute, I don't make dynamite.  
  
KYLAH: Who cares! Less hooey, more kablooey!  
  
She lights the dynamite, backs up, and holds her ears. Jackie hides behind Deven. With a giant BOOM the toilet EXPLODES and debris goes FLYING. CLOSE ON KELSEY, shocked, and terrified, just before the SHOVEL drives itself THROUGH HER CHEST.  
  
Kelsey TUMBLES BACK and collapses, dead.  
  
Deven and Kylah look at the dead body while Jackie covers her eyes.  
  
JACKIE: Ewwww!  
  
DEVEN: WHAT THE FUCK? YOU JUST INDIRECTLY KILLED YOUR OWN SISTER!  
  
KYLAH(showing no emotion): I am SO banned from the New York trip!  
  
DEVEN: Kylah, Kelsey is DEAD!  
  
Suddenly, the door opens, and EVERYONE comes into the room.  
  
ALY: We heard you guys could use some help!  
  
JUSTIN: Hey, guys, what's shakin'?  
  
DEVEN: KYLAH KILLED KELSEY!  
  
KYLAH: You're an accessory to the crime! If you hadn't lent me YOUR hammer to smash the window, Kelsey would still be alive today!  
  
DEVEN: She WAS alive today!  
  
KYLAH: You're living in the PAST, Deven!  
  
They continue to argue. Rachel, Cici, Bree, and Aly stare akwardly.  
  
RACHEL: Should we leave?  
  
They all nod.  
  
ALY: Wait a minute!  
  
She rushes up to Kelsey and STEALS HER NECKLACE.  
  
ALY: Now we can go.  
  
INSERT shot of KYLAH AND DEVEN SCREAMING at each other with JUSTIN in the middle. Justin looks annoyed. He pulls out a gun from his pocket and shoots them both. They fall to the ground.  
  
JUSTIN: God, you people are annoying.  
  
TOD(o.s.): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Justin TURNS AROUND to see Tod going crazy. Tod SNATCHES the GUN from Justin.  
  
TOD: You killed my Kylah! We actually had a chance together!  
  
JUSTIN: Don't yell.  
  
TOD: GAHHHHHHHH!  
  
He SHOOTS JUSTIN! THE BASTARD!  
  
TOD: What have I done? What am I doing? What will I do? The love of my life is dead and I've killed one of her dear friends! There's nothing left for me.  
  
Tod closes his eyes and shoots himself in the head.  
  
The group looks around nervously.  
  
RACHEL: What are we gonna tell their parents?  
  
BREE: Ky and Kels can easily be replaced by two Barbie dolls. Deven and Justin went out for frosty chocolate milk shakes.  
  
ALY: And Tod?  
  
BREE: Who gives a shit?  
  
JACKIE: Well, really, we have nothing to hide. Kylah killed Kelsey, Justin killed Kylah and Deven, Tod killed Justin... they're all dead anyway!  
  
CICI: So we're innocent! What do we do now?  
  
CUT TO: EXT. BREE'S HOUSE - BACK YARD - DAY  
  
Aly stands in a hole in the snow and digs a deeper hole into the ground. She peers down and we can see Alex's casket.  
  
ALY: Dump 'em in, Martin.  
  
PAN OUT - Martin is backing up a dump truck. He releases the dumper and Justin, Kylah, Deven, Tod, and Kelsey's corpses tumble into the hole.  
  
MARTIN: I love this job.  
  
CECILE(o.s.): MARTIN!!!!!! YOUR DINNER'S GETTING COLD!  
  
Zoom back in to Aly and Bree, who pat the hole down with dirt.  
  
BREE: How come we purchased Alex a casket and not our dear dear friends?  
  
ALY: They were on sale when Alex died. I'm more concerned about the continuity of the weather. The snow was melted this morning, and it was swimming weather yesterday!  
  
BREE: Hey, I told you, I'm a writer, not a fucking production designer. 


End file.
